Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”