How do horror writers compete with current events?
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Whoa 😂
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast