I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Smells like a challenge to me
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now