Great acting.. 😂
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.