Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.