wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You Might Also Like
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Nice try Hitler
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
finally found a reasonable question
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!