Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few