The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
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I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
so weird how every mom was born today
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often