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[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?