*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night