Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying