Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
You Might Also Like
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Spa day..😅
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.