Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
What if all the cashiers are married?
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery