Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Holy crap this is wonderful
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi