When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
two people or more is called a problem
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.