[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
look at me when i’m typing to you
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Meow
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.