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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.