putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Truth
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.