Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT