There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*