BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
fourth time’s the charm
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.