Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)