teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.