My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very