kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
This is always good for a laugh.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me