*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
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synchronized noseblowing
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
the official breakfast of 2021
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet