“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
You Might Also Like
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.