So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.