at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.