I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”