Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.