Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.