Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
That eye roll….
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
#merica
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.