“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
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Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.