Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom