using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Accurate
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Going to church you guys need anything