I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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😲 WTF? 😆
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it