Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.