Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
welp
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.