If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Fight
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.