Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for