Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.