my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Wednesday
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Traveler’s camo
How dramatic are you?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real