this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.