bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
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Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.