{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though