I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
that colleague who touches your screen
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE