BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
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So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me