Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
This probably isn’t good
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park