me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies